Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You took a bar mat shot.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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