Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
