never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
