I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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