2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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