When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
