Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
