everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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