I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
