He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
