dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
