is your mom at the bar?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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