That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
