just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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