I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
