you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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