he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
