I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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