i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
