and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
