I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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