Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
