my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
