I'm gonna have a badass scar
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
