I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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