So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
