My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
