Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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