I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
