Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
