I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
