make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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