u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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