I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
