she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
