It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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