Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
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dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
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I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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