his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
