Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
