I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Everclear isn't food dammit
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
