i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
