I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
