Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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