I just pynch a tree in the face
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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