The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
