So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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