After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
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Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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I use my feet as sexual weapons
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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