I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
