Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Is it because I queefed?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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