i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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