if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
