When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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