this beer tastes like vomit already
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
