my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
