New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Randomize
