We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
