I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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