I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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