Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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