She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
