thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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